11.1.2008 - I hurt.I generally do not prefer to air my feelings in public forums, because I was raised to be better than that, and there is no dearth of tabloid coverage of my life as it is.
But Haruka, dear, sometimes I wonder if you pay attention to the effects of things you do. I know you mean well, and I take that in the spirit it is offered, but sometimes it does hurt.
There are times I will ask you to do things, like clean your room, and you will tell me no, or defer it, or whatnot. That's fine, if you don't want to, you don't want to. I'm not here to make you do things you don't want to do.
But what hurts me is when someone else (Aya-san) will ask you to do the same thing, and you immediately comply, without hesitation. Then, you even happily call me in to see. Do you even realize how that makes me feel? It tells me you just don't want to do those things for *me* as opposed to just being busy or tired or whatnot.
I don't want a monopoly on your actions, I just want to be a part of them... but I also want to be a cherished part in a way, not an afterthought. When I do things, I come to you first. When you do things, you come to me third, or fourth.
Perhaps I ask for too much. I don't know. Before I met you, all I had was my paintings, and they simply responded to the needs of my artist's brush. Perhaps I don't understand the give and take in these things. Perhaps I should be quiet about these things. But they give me pause at times.
I have said too much as it is.